Done

Some days I feel like posting all my emotions and all their turmoil on facebook, just so everyone would REALLY know what is on my mind, what’s making me lose sleep for months, what’s pissing me off just now. But I’m not actually looking to inform a bunch of fakie uncaring “connections,” I am looking for connection itself. A real connection. One that is one hundred percent. Guaranteed. One in which my heart is safe forever and always. Or at least safe for right now and the near future. But there is not one. So I tread this void alone. 

 

You should be here with me, but I learned long ago that you are the only one who matters to you. I do not matter to you, and it seems I do not matter to anyone. No people anyway. Some say they care and are here for me, but they’re really only here for me when it suits them- when they are bored, when a commercial is on, when I guilt them into it. I finally get to tell my story, express my pain, hope for connection and reasons. What I get in return is uh-huh, I see, oh too bad, well this will pass. Oh, my show’s back on, I gotta go.

 

What is the point of being here if I constantly crave connection but all I can find is aloneness?? If I have worked so hard to make myself a wonderful person but I can’t even find a connection with all my hard work…. it wasn’t good enough. I’M not good enough. And I’m already as good as I can be. This is AS GOOD as I can make myself. So my plan will never work. I will always be alone. And if that’s the case, then why use my energy for so much struggle to try and get others to acknowledge me. 

 

I am so sick of people! They only hurt me. They always hurt me. If that’s what the outcome is going to be regardless, I don’t need them, I can hurt myself, on my own, by myself. So I don’t need people. Maybe I will feel better once I am done with the fakers and liars. Maybe “feeling better” will mean “feeling nothing.” But of course that will mean that I have to be done with everyone, because no one is a real person for me, no one is really here with me, and no one wants to be. WHY HAVE I WORKED SO HARD FOR NOTHING?????

 

I want to quit working. I want to quit trying. I want to quit moving. I want to quit feeling. I want to quit hoping. 

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Leaning Forward Into a Question

Leaning forward into a question mark

of sunshine through a February window

and backed by the shadow she makes behind her

on shelves of this and that that she has done,

she has forgotten the question.

 

Once it seemed easier to get up into the morning,

wash and dress, and wait for the bones to heal.

Once she wasn’t waiting for the corners of the walls

to come together or doors to appear, waiting

for windows that aren’t mirrors, or waiting

for moments that are beds she can get out of.

Once she wasn’t waiting to speak and recognize

her own voice say, “This is so!” and believe it.

Once she could see the world instead of think it.

But now everything seems curled back on itself

like a mind run over that’s unable to reach

or a hand that forgets the way out of a pocket

or a foot that sees anywhere to step is wrong.

 

And the quandaries still come round and round

until her signature twists into a question mark

and she is merely punctuation.

 

John Graber

 

 

.

tired

there are times when i am too sad for words. or maybe i’m not sad, maybe it’s something else. but i hate it. all these negative and confused feelings hovering around, not quite defined, but very bothersome. they don’t let me sleep and they don’t let me read. i just can’t focus on anything.

lost

and why am i not able to identify these murky feelings? why do they taunt me? obviously it’s because i let them. when it comes down to it, everything that happens to me and everything that i feel is my fault. i let it happen or i engineer it. and that goes for everyone else too. but that’s a little too hard for me to take right now.

so there are some things that i let happen that i should not let happen. i can see the future. so why don’t i stop it? sometimes i’m just too tired. of life. of today. of hoping because it doesn’t seem to work anyway. so i let the shit hit the fan as i stand in front of it.

a lot of times i don’t really care. but today i do. why why why do i care today? sometimes i hate caring. and why did i let it fail? psychology says that i wanted it to fail, that i willed it to fail, and seemingly engineered it to fail. maybe that’s true. based on what i said above about everyone creating their own feelings and reality, yes it’s true. i can’t figure out why i wanted it to feel like hell, but apparently i did.

i guess sometimes i want to be able to share my feelings and not have someone else dismiss them. i want to matter. but when my feelings get dismissed, clearly i do not matter. then comes the confusion. why do i matter to myself, but not to others? and if i create my own reality, why don’t i matter to those in my reality? why can’t others see what is important to me? why do others replace what i think is important with what they think is important?

why try when people are just going to carry on as if i wasn’t there? because i wish i hadn’t been. i wish none of us had been.

Marilynisms #8

I think everyone needs to remember this. We all become so afraid of things changing, ie of losing someone, that we lose sight of reality. I am better when I’m independent, and that means not being dependent on others. I like others, I just should monitor myself so that I don’t become dependent on them. It’s always hard to imagine that my wings will support me, but before I know it, I’m flying. We can all fly, and we would all know it if we would all just try.

perspective

do you ever wonder what it’s like to be beautiful, graceful, fast, and precise

flying along, going about your business, trying to find the leaves and wondering why everything around you is suddenly so flat

but even while you’re confused

you’re still proud of your strong wings that can get you anywhere, that can outfly other insects, and that have gotten you this far in life

you untangled yourself from a spider web, you got away from a bird, you’re invincible!

and that’s all you know.

from an outsider’s perspective, while you’re flying along the flat surface trying to find the leaves, out of nowhere comes something larger than life and kills you

breaks your strong wings, fractures your long dainty legs, and flattens your buggy eyes

you land on the floor, never knowing that anything was coming, and never knowing how mortal you were

so in your mind, your last thought was how wonderful you were, how great life was, and how much you were going to accomplish

and in a moment, it was over. and you will remain all those things in your mind

but in the outsider’s mind, you were small, insignificant, bothersome, scary

and easy to defeat

and now in the outsider’s mind, you are defeated, on the floor, waiting to be eaten by the dog if your leg keeps twitching

and in the outsider’s mind, you will remain all those things

we are all invincible, and we are all defeatable

i guess it’s up to us to chose which one we are, before something larger than life comes around