Some days I feel like posting all my emotions and all their turmoil on facebook, just so everyone would REALLY know what is on my mind, what’s making me lose sleep for months, what’s pissing me off just now. But I’m not actually looking to inform a bunch of fakie uncaring “connections,” I am looking for connection itself. A real connection. One that is one hundred percent. Guaranteed. One in which my heart is safe forever and always. Or at least safe for right now and the near future. But there is not one. So I tread this void alone.
You should be here with me, but I learned long ago that you are the only one who matters to you. I do not matter to you, and it seems I do not matter to anyone. No people anyway. Some say they care and are here for me, but they’re really only here for me when it suits them- when they are bored, when a commercial is on, when I guilt them into it. I finally get to tell my story, express my pain, hope for connection and reasons. What I get in return is uh-huh, I see, oh too bad, well this will pass. Oh, my show’s back on, I gotta go.
What is the point of being here if I constantly crave connection but all I can find is aloneness?? If I have worked so hard to make myself a wonderful person but I can’t even find a connection with all my hard work…. it wasn’t good enough. I’M not good enough. And I’m already as good as I can be. This is AS GOOD as I can make myself. So my plan will never work. I will always be alone. And if that’s the case, then why use my energy for so much struggle to try and get others to acknowledge me.
I am so sick of people! They only hurt me. They always hurt me. If that’s what the outcome is going to be regardless, I don’t need them, I can hurt myself, on my own, by myself. So I don’t need people. Maybe I will feel better once I am done with the fakers and liars. Maybe “feeling better” will mean “feeling nothing.” But of course that will mean that I have to be done with everyone, because no one is a real person for me, no one is really here with me, and no one wants to be. WHY HAVE I WORKED SO HARD FOR NOTHING?????
I want to quit working. I want to quit trying. I want to quit moving. I want to quit feeling. I want to quit hoping.